Melting Point
by Triad of the Force
Summary: A young Jedi begins to question his role in the Order. His search for answers leads him to discover far more than he ever anticipated and they may be more than even he can handle.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Melting Point  
**Author(s): **Layren and Neon Star  
**Summary: **A young Jedi begins to question his role in the Order. His search for answers leads him to discover far more than he ever anticipated and they may be more than even he can handle.  
**Characters: **Carth Rixar and other OC's.  
**Timeframe: **Eighteen years before My Dreams Could Be Tomorrow.  
**Author's Note: **We've been working on this for some time and we do hope you enjoy this experiment we've been working on for awhile. We thought it would be fun to branch out a bit. Feedback is much appreciated

* * *

Solemn air.

Grave faces.

The very air stifling in the open room, while the flames rose, consuming nothing but the very few trinkets left behind not more than six months ago. Among them a tattered, old picture drawn by careful, childish hands depicting the youngling face of the man who had died. It was nothing more than ash, just like the body probably was in some distant, wretched war torn planet that had consumed yet another that had tried to save it.

The flames were red, as crimson as his blood must have been when he had been slain. They danced along the wood, the pyre itself, flickering with the life that had been contained within the young Knight. Despite the ice that had covered him all his life. The fire within, that beloved fire, that had so little time to be free before he left, was now gone. If anything, these flames were a last remembrance, and a weak mockery to the intensity of that soul.

There was no peace to be found, in this dance. In the knowledge of the loss of such a life. Even if the Force had claimed a son, it was still a loss, especially to one, who's black eyes reflected those flames, though his own was dying in his broken heart.

The eyes closed as his heart twanged painfully. It hurt to breathe and he suspected it had nothing to do with the smoke of the flames but everything to do with the fact that one he loved, one he cared for was now dead. The intensity of his soul that would have been...gone.

He should've expected it he knew.

He had been a fool to hold on to hope. How many times had his master lectured him on the dangers of attachments and forbidding friendships because he might form them? The Jedi life was a dangerous one and Ke'dran had gone to a place that had been at war for a millennium. Yet he had gone there willingly because he believed in peace. What would the Saren people do for peace now that their beloved hero and ambassador was gone? Ke'dran had failed in his goal. He would never see peace accomplished like he had dreamed of ever since he had known him. That broke Drex's heart further.

Ke'dran had dedicated his whole life to that planet -- and they had snuffed out his life and soul as if it were nothing.

His head bowed as the flames began to die down. He would carry on Ke'dran's work. He knew his Master would not approve, but he did not care.

Slowly people were beginning to leave, one by one. Drex did not move. If he went back inside, Ke'dran would truly be dead except in his memories. He could not bear goodbyes. Some Jedi apprentice he was.

Ke'dran's mentor, Sehan, was standing next to the pyre. The cold gray eyes seemed to penetrate the very essence of his being and the eyes narrowed. Drex almost stepped backward at the look in the Master's eyes. He had never had such a harsh, icy gaze directed at him from that man.

Somehow his heart cracked further. The look in the master's eyes had been enough to confirm his growing suspicions.

He was to blame for Ke'dran's death.

How long he stood there, he didn't know. Eventually his Master's voice broke through the ice that had been growing in his broken heart, "Come Carth."

Drex had no choice but to obey her. Without a last glance back at the flames, he turned and followed his Master inside.

* * *

His Master had instructed him to bring his things back from the quarters he had shared with Ke'dran before this cursed mission that had stolen his life. It would be a good test she had said, to face the silence.

He knew he was to bring his life back to her unyielding control.

He entered the small apartment and was almost overwhelmed with the grief of loss. It was too quiet. It wasn't the quiet reassurance that he would return and life would continue.

No.

The silence was cold and piercing much like Ke'dran had been before the Council had assigned them living quarters together as a punishment for their misbehavior. Drex really had never found it a punishment. The harshest punisher had been his mentor, not Ke'dran's chill. In fact the frost that had been Ke'dran had thawed when away from his mentor. That's what was hurting the most. The ice that had melted to reveal the warmth of the soul that he had always known was there in Ke'dran…the soul was gone and so was the warmth and he was left with nothing but the shards that remained.

He took a deep breath and forced himself to enter their shared room. His bunk was on one side, Ke'dran's on the other.

One by one he began piling his clothes and books into boxes.

It did not take long. His Master did not approve of him keeping trinkets, but away from her he had kept a few mementos that were too precious to be lost. Gifts from Ke'dran mostly for Winterfest or a Naming Day.

Now they were all that was left of him.

Methodically he stripped his bed of the standard issue sheets to take to laundry and he emptied the small wastebasket that had been beside the dresser.

The room now looked empty as if no one had ever lived here.

That's what Jedi were after all.

No one to the galaxy.

Nameless servants dedicating their lives to causes and people they were not close to. Was this what he really wanted in life?

He found he suddenly had no answers to his questions.

And he didn't know where to look for them.

His heart was heavy as he said, "Lights off," and the lights went out leaving him alone in the dark.


	2. Chapter 2

The chilly silence was almost a tangible thing, Drex mused as he set the table for dinner that night. He had forgotten to some degree, how cold his Master could be. Living with Ke'dran, the warmth had begun to erase the cold, but now the chance for that was gone. The warmth was dead. He knew he would never be warm again. He hunched further in his robes, pulling them around him slightly.

He sat down at the table to glance over what his Master had fixed. A ready-to-heat meal, warmed up in the quick cooker. Nothing like some of the home cooking Ke'dran had been capable of producing.

He tasted a bite and forced himself not to wince.

He chewed, wondering why that the food was so appalling. Is this really what he had eaten most of his life? Had his meals really been so tasteless before Ke'dran had showed him how true flavor came out in food? What brand was this anyway? Whatever it was, Drex resolved to throw them out and stock up with new ones later.

Violet eyes watched him, every few bites, as his Master delved into her own meal, not tasting it as she ate, slow and mechanical, like everything in her. There was silence, she never made idle chatter, though, disapproval seemed to radiate from her.

He kept his eyes on his plate, feeling her disapproval. His jaw clenched as he forced himself to keep eating. He really wasn't interested in his food at all, but he did not want to give her cause for concern. "Is something wrong, Master?"

A flicker of black eyelashes, those eyes pierced him, "Why would you ask, Padawan?"

He glanced up at her for a long moment, then returned his gaze to his plate. "No reason," He mumbled. "May I be excused, Master?"

There was a slight narrowing of those dangerous eyes, "Are you full, Carth? There is more than half still on your plate."

Resolutely he picked up his fork and began to try and eat again, but it tasted so terrible in comparison to Ke'dran's cooking he could not bear it. He put it down again. "Yes, I am full Master." He wasn't really, but it was the best excuse. "May I be excused?"

For a moment,she didn't answer. For a moment, she merely stared at him, watchful, waiting, and finally those eyes lowered, "Very well. As long as this has nothing to do with your pathetic mourning."

He looked up and met her gaze. "It has nothing to do with Ke'dran, Master," the words felt vile from his lips and he knew he was lying to her and would likely pay the price later if she realized it too. He tightened his mental shields to keep her from finding out. "I'm merely full. "

She studied him, like she would any criminal. After a long, torturous moment, she finally smiled a little, viciously, "Very well, Padawan."

He stood at that to deliver his plate to the waste disposal unit. He did not dare meet her eyes again. He stood straight as he went about his task, not presenting a guilty appearance. He clamped down on his thoughts, unsure if she believed him or not.

She stopped watching him, basically ignoring him as she continued to eat.

He sighed as he finished and wondered what to do next. Maybe he should go to the gardens and meditate. At least away get away from here. "May I go and meditate, Master?" He hated to have to ask before doing things, but that had been her rule ever since he could remember. With Ke'dran he had had three things that he never had with her, warmth, freedom, and independence. The Council's punishment, thus had not been a punishment like they intended. Or perhaps it had. Drex did not know who they were really punishing, them, or their masters.

"Where will you be going to do so, Padawan?" it was casual, yet warning.

"A meditation chamber or perhaps the gardens," he said, without batting an eye.

"You cannot do so in your room? It has been long since you were home."

"Yes it has, by the Council's doing not my own," he replied, reminding her that they had been the one who sentenced him.

The glare was brief, but warning of harsh things to come, "It was by your doing. Do not forget your mistake."

His head lowered at that glare, quick to back down. He did not want trouble, not now. "Forgive me, Master."

"No," it was sharp, yet ever calm, "I refuse to forgive you. Till you prove to me that you should be forgiven."

His jaw clenched at that. He should have expected such. "How will you have me prove it, Master?"

"You will know in time," she assured him.

He knew what that meant. His head lowered again. "Yes, Master. So I am not to leave the apartment?"

"Not until I say," was her agreement.

He nodded after a moment. "Might I still meditate, Master?"

"You may, with me. Thus, you will wait till I am done."

Something flickered in his gaze almost too fast to see. It was either disappointment or anger, or perhaps both. Perhaps it was nothing and merely a trick of the light for in an instant it was gone and his face smoothed into an unreadable mask. "Yes, Master."

Her eyes narrowed again, "Do you have something further to say, Carth?"

"No, Master. I have nothing to say. I will wait as you have requested," he made to move to the living room.

"You will wait at the table," came her sharp command.

His fingers grasped his pants legs, clenching his fingers briefly, while picking off stray lint. He sat as ordered back at the table awaiting her to finish.

He became lost in his thoughts, his mind drifting as he waited.

* * *

_  
He was flushed with more than just the heat of his victory of his last match. Master Yoda had informed him his next sparing partner was Ke'dran Zephir. The ten year old was surprised he would be sparring with someone so much older than him. He had glanced over to see who Ke'dran was having never heard of the name before and to his surprise a very pretty girl with silvery hair bound up in a ponytail was walking towards him. He gave her his best wining smile as he bowed politely. "Hello," he said._

_Grayish green eyes flickered over him, unimpressed, and cold, though not bored, as the other bowed lightly to him, "Initiate Rixar." Pure respect, no friendliness that Drex had just displayed. The silver and black Padawan braid hung proudly separate from the ponytail, designating Ke'dran's own higher rank, and warned him exactly what he would be fighting in this match._

_Drex blinked a little at her coldness and the braid signifying the other's higher rank made him slightly nervous. He moved into position and circled with her. He wanted to impress but he wasn't sure how to go about doing it._

_She waited, watchful, studying his every move, till suddenly, she struck, hand darting out sharply, in an effort to slam into his gut, while one long leg moved to hook about his._

_He moved as swiftly managing to avoid both the hit to his gut and the attempt to sweep his legs out from under him. Child's play really. "You can do better than that can't you?" he said frowning. "Just because you're a girl, doesn't mean you should be lazy."  
Ke'dran paused for a long moment, eyes blinking before they hardened, before moving, far faster, and far harder, employing moves Drex had not learned yet._

_He moved as swiftly managing to avoid both the hit to his gut and the attempt to sweep his legs out from under him. He began to employ some of his better moves, as he moved in closing their circle. Drex met the girl's eyes as they came within inches of each other's faces. "You have pretty eyes," he said._

_Said eyes widened in vague shock, before a very sudden, quicker then normal, Force driven hit slammed straight into Drex's chest._

_Drex wasn't expecting the maneuver and flew backward. He managed to stop himself before he slammed into the wall and skidded to a halt. "I was just trying to pay you a compliment," he said hastily, wondering why she had gotten upset._

_That raised an eyebrow, "Is it your tactic to distract your opponent with trivial comments?" Force aided speed, and suddenly she was beside him, already swinging, "Because it's not very good."_

_"No, I didn't mean any offense," he said ducking to avoid her swing and coming around behind her to leap on top to try and pin her down. "I only noticed cause we were close then."_

_The weight advantage Drex had over her, ended up forcing Ke'dran to the ground. But her flexibility saved her from defeat, right leg folding back to slam her boot heel into the back of his head._

_"What? Am I your type, boy?" wasn't mocking, almost amused in an emotionless way. _

_Drex saw stars as Ke'dran kicked him in the back of the head. "I think you're pretty," he gasped out. "That's all I meant. Really," he added just in case he wasn't being sincere enough._

_Using Drex's momentary distraction, Ke'dran surged up, bucking him off, before moving to pin him in turn, "You're cute," it was somewhere between sarcasm, and that wicked amusement._

_Drex struggled beneath her grip fighting to get her off, but he was already tired from his previous matches. "Really?" he asked hopefully._

_Almost seeming to shake her head, she jabbed her knee into his gut as she slammed his hands into the mat, holding his wrists in her own more delicate hands, "Really."_

_At that, she leaned down, close to his ear, and whispered, "Though, I'll let you in on a secret. I'm not a girl."_

_Shock rippled through Drex at that statement and his eyes widened a little. He swallowed at that as he looked back into Ke'dran's eyes. He could feel his face turning red from humiliation and his heart clenching inside of him._

_Another shake of the head, "Don't worry about it. Probably every boy in this class thinks I am." With a smirk, and a flip of the ponytail, Ke'dran was off him, and offering his hand to help him up. _

_Drex accepted the help reluctantly though he could not meet the other's gaze now. He walked over to the bench and began wiping himself off, his face still bright red._

_Ke'dran had to take pity on him, though his Master would state quite firmly that he shouldn't. Pity was for the weak, and Ke'dran was supposed to be untouchable. And normally he was. But something about this kid had struck a cord. Following, he sat down on the bench, grabbing up a bottle of water, as he undid the ponytail, "You did good out there. Can see why you're the best in your class," he lightly stretched his back, "Though, that one move of yours... that was a bit unexpected. My opponents don't usually jump on me." _

_"I've found it works," Drex said. "My weight tends to give me an advantage and it surprises most of them." _

_"You felt like a rock strapped to me, so I can see why it would," Ke'dran admitted, casually, as he combed his fingers through his long hair._

_Drex smiled a little. "It's because I'm short," he said. "My center of gravity is different than yours. Master Kerchan said so," he added, referring to their sparring instructor._

_Reaching into his bag, Ke'dran paused, considering, and finally nodded, "That does make sense."_

_Drex's eyes were drawn to the boy's long silver hair. It shone so that it looked to be silk. He wanted to touch it, but he knew that would be rude. He had already embarrassed himself enough. "Why do you wear your hair so long? I thought that wasn't allowed."_

_"It isn't," Ke'dran admitted, withdrawing a brush from his bag, "But I made a...deal with my Master, so to speak, because I want to keep my hair." _

_"What sort of deal?" Drex asked curiously._

_"It's really a punishment. I am to dress and train as a girl, for as long as my Master sees fit. I think he thinks I will tire of this, and have my hair cut," Ke'dran seemed to puff out his chest a little, "But I won't."_

_"He's making you dress as a girl just to keep your hair? That's not very nice," Drex frowned at that._

_Ke'dran shrugged, "He says that if I insist on looking like a girl, I should be treated as such." _

_"Having long hair isn't necessarily meaning you look like a girl..." his face flushed a little. His eyes again were drawn to the hair. He wanted to touch it._

_Noting his gaze, Ke'dran smiled a little, shaking his head in mild amusement before he offered the brush, "Want to brush it? I can't reach all the tangles sometimes."_

_He felt shy now even as he reached for the comb. "Can I?"_

_The older boy nodded, "I don't mind if you do."_

_He took the brush and reached for the hair. It was as soft as it looked. It felt like silk to him. He held a handful against his cheek admiring the silkiness, before he very gently began coming it out. "It's very nice." _

_Ke'dran forced down a slight giggle at the odd, but enduring affection the boy was showing to his hair. He usually didn't let others touch it, but this one... was different. "Thank you." _

_He smiled and continued to comb it. "You're welcome. I've seen you around before, but I never knew your name then. " _

_"As I have you," Ke'dran admitted, "Though, we know each other's names now."  
Drex nodded. "That's definitely a start." He wasn't really sure what to say. He wanted to get to know this boy further -- but he wasn't the type to make the first move to doing so._

_"So it is," Ke'dran agreed, "Perhaps we can be friends."_

_Drex nodded in agreement. "I'd like that," he said._

_Ke'dran was a little hesitant before he nodded as well, "So would I."_

* * *

Drex took a breath to quell his rising emotions in him. His Master would sense the pain at the remembrance. It was bittersweet looking back on the time that they had first met. He had been so embarrassed that day, but in the end he had made a new friend. His Master's voice interrupted his thoughts, "Come Carth, it is time," she said rising from her place and dumping her empty plate in the disposal unit.

He rose obediently from the table and walked to the living room with her when she was ready. They both knelt at the same time. He braced himself for what was to come.

"Clear your mind, Carth." She was watching him, her eyes narrowing.

He closed his eyes and tried to do as he was told. But on this day it was harder than it ever had been to obey his Master's instruction when all he wanted to do was rebel.

The attack when it came was swift and sharp, stabbing through the walls of his shields before he'd had a chance to raise them. Memories flashed through his mind's eye. The first meeting with Ke'dran, the feel of the silk of his hair.

The probe struck again going deeper.

More memories came at him again showing himself being made fun of in the crèche; and another, the first night in the apartment he shared with Ke'dran….the funeral's aftermath, going to get his clothes and belongings by himself, his feel of despair…

No. He was struggling to build his shields even as she was focusing on ripping them apart. He tightened his shields, building the layers as quickly as he could. He grabbed at the invader intruding as the last wall was built and pushed hard and felt her leave his mind.

His head throbbed to the beat of his heart. That attack had been fierce and he had been ill-prepared. He winced slightly.

"You weren't ready," came the unfeeling admonishment.

"No Master," he knew no excuses would be accepted, not even the fact that the one he cared for had died.

"You allowed me to get too far in. You must close your mind, Carth."

"I'm having more trouble doing so today Master," he admitted.

"I do not accept those answers, Carth. Fools who wear their hearts on their sleeves and can be easily read and probed will find themselves easy prey."

"I am not a fool," he bit out.

"I'll be the judge of that," she said sharply. "I did not give you leave to speak. You are adding to multiple infractions already today, boy. Do not add more to yourself on top of your lies and mourning."

His head lowered at that. He knew he was in trouble when he was referred to as boy. "Yes, Master," he tightened his mental shields, holding them like a blanket on a cold day, wrapped around himself as tightly as he could.

"We'll go again."

"Yes, Master."

* * *

They had done the exercise five times that evening and when she had finished, he was panting heavily, his mind stinging from the assaults. At least he had succeeded on keeping her out, but not until the very last time. His head was aching but he let nothing show on his face as he stood with her.

"You're improving, Carth," she said finally.

"Thank you, Master," he said, slightly surprised that she admitted it.

She did not acknowledge his thanks. "You may be excused."

He took the opportunity he was afforded and escaped to his room before she could change her mind. He sat on his bed, holding his aching head, trying to reach to the Force to ease the pain. His heart was aching as much as his head. True his Master had given what counted to praise for her, but he still was not happy. How he longed to hear words of encouragement and praise from Ke'dran instead. He kept a tight hold on his thoughts, so they would not leak to his Master.

Ke'dran was gone.

He should accept the facts. He would never hear those words of encouragement from him again.

But in his heart, he knew he could not.

He thought to one of Master Yoda's sayings. Even Yoda said that death was a natural part of life and that he should not mourn Ke'dran's passing into the Force.

It was natural.

Wasn't it?

Then why did things feel so unnatural?


	3. Chapter 3

She was gone at last. She had to appear before the Council and would be gone for some time. The look in her eyes as she warned him not to leave or else to expect retribution when she returned had convinced him that staying put was the best option, even if he didn't want to.

He could fight her in other ways.

Drex pulled out his journal from where it was tucked in his tunic, to keep her from finding it, intending to write a little while she was gone. He stared at the blank page. He did not know if he had it in him to write. His source of inspiration, was now gone. He swallowed hard.

Tears welled in his eyes at that. He held them back stubbornly. He could not afford to cry and miss hearing her when she came back in, but a few tears rolled down his cheeks to stain the pages.

Besides, his Master would feel it if he released his emotions from when he'd been keeping them in all day.

There was the faint sound of someone entering his apartment and Drex tensed at the door opening and quickly made to stuff his journal out of sight. In his hurry, the tunic pocket ripped and he gasped a little, before he finally threw it under his buttocks and decided to sit on it, hoping no one would notice.

Ris blinked, and slide the rest of the way inside, allowing the door to close, "It's all right. It's just me. I know you haven't seen me in like twenty or so months, but that doesn't mean I turned into the enemy."

"Sorry," he mumbled. "I thought..." He didn't say what he thought. He knew Ris would figure it out.

"I get it. It's been a while since you've been back with the Sith witch," the other came over, to sit beside him, "And I think I get it on what my answer is."

Drex glanced away. "She's not Sith witch, Ris," he muttered.

"I would say worse, but Master tells me if I keep saying such, he'll cut my tongue out," Ris shrugged a little.

Drex's brow furrowed. "Then the galaxy would be too quiet. More so than it already is."

Ris had to sigh at that, looking at him in concern, "You can't let Ke'dran's death do this to you. She'll use it to kill you."

He shrugged a little. "Maybe I'm already dead."

Something hardened in those gold eyes, and in a moment, he was up, grasping his shoulders tightly, "What if I told you I hate that selfish bantha brain, child of a demon, monster, with his Sithin girly locks and colder the Torment soul? Because I do hate that coward, which is what he is, a pure coward for dying on a world that means nothing."

"You speak of what you do not know," Drex snarled , jumping up, barely restraining himself from hitting Ris. Hearing Ke'dran's work trashed so, when his heart was already broken, he could not bear it.

"And what are you going to do about it? About how I speak of him and his life. He's so worthless now that even his own Master has gone looking for replacement," Ris bit out.

"I'm going to take his place," he spat. "That's what."

"You switching Masters now, Rixar? Sehan is looking for a new Pad, since his old one was a failure. Figures, when he was supposedly so perfect."

"I wish I could," he retorted, though he clapped his hand over his mouth and he tightened his mental shields.

"No you don't. Because if you looked at Ke'dran, and I know you did, imagine what that supposed future Council member would do to you. He's the same as that witch. And he's the one who bloody killed that stupid apprentice of his."

Drex looked at his boots. "Yet he blames me for it."

Ris sighed, seeing the lack again, and disliking it, "You gave that Ice Jedi a heart before he left. Sehan left him without a soul. And if you don't watch it, that Master of yours will do the same."

"Maybe I don't want a soul anymore. Maybe Ke'dran had it right the whole time," it hurt to speak his name. It was hurting such that he knew he was going to end up letting it out soon somehow and Force help him, he hoped he could keep it from her.

That hardness was back, as one fist clenched, "So you're going to stop fighting. You're going to just stop, because you lost him. You're going to let her win, and you'll let him win too. That blasted Ice Jedi of yours must not of meant anything true then."

He flinched as if Ris had stabbed him with a vibroblade and turned away. He had to regain his control. His Master would sense his unease if she had not already and would be on her way then things would really be in a bind.

"So, Carth. Did Ke'dran ever call you that? Carth, that's who you are. Because you're bowing to her, and she's just going to walk all over the memory you're falling apart for."

Drex whirled back around. Ris had never called him Carth. Fire was back in his eyes as he glared at him. "I am not falling apart."

"You are. And you're letting her sweep the pieces away," Ris taunted.

"So, Carth, will you be the next 'perfect Jedi'."

His hands clenched into fists. "No." He was longing to hit Ris, but he knew he'd be in trouble if he did.

"Then why are you letting her make you it, Carth? Think it'll make that Ice Heart that you adored since we were kids so happy? You forget, he's pretty good and dead. No way to get points now, Carth."

"Besides, I think he would be disgusted too."

Drex snapped. Before he could think about it he was on top of Ris, pounding into him hard. What if that was what Ke'dran would think of him now? He was heart sick with anger and hurt and now his hurt had found an outlet.

Ris let him hit him for a moment, only to twist, throwing Drex's body weight off him, "What? Did I upset you, Carth?" he asked, nursing his jaw.

"Stop calling me that," He said with a glare.

Ris bared his canines, "Make me. Though I doubt you have any spine left after Ke'dran."

In the blink of an eye, Drex had Ris's arms pinned behind his back. "I'll show you spine,' he snarled.

Ris struggled, and kicked back at his knees, "That Ice Jedi had more than you in this."

"Do you want me to break both arms?" Drex hissed in Ris's ear.

"Try," Ris spat, "At least you're showing some fight, instead of being pathetic."

"How would you explain your injuries to your own master?" Drex asked, bitterness in his voice as he pulled Ris's arms tighter against him.

"I got into a fight, and I caused it. Punish me and get over it," Ris stated.

"They'd know you were lying," He snapped even as he pulled harder until he heard the crunch of breaking bone.

"Who's lying? I caused it, and I don't regret it."

Drex finally pushed him away from him, managing to angle things so that Ris fell hard, on his arm. He was breathing heavily and he glared down at him.

"Being involved is criminal," he said through clenched teeth. "I'm going to get in a lot of trouble."

Massaging his arm where he had fallen, Ris grimaced slightly at the pain, as he stood, "Stop fearing what she'll do to you, it gives her more power."

"Easy for you to say," Drex retorted. "You've never been on her receiving end." But he knew Ris was right. Ke'dran always chided him for being afraid of her.

"So I haven't. But you really give her more power than she needs. You're nearly a knight, not a child anymore. Act it and show her that you're not going to be stepped on."

He glanced away at that. Ke'dran had said much the same thing, though not in those exact words before he left for Saren VII. After awhile he turned back, "I will try harder."

"There is no try. Do or do not," Ris had to put it in there, as a lesson from their childhood, "Do it, Drex. For both your sakes."

Drex gripped his hair in slight frustration. "And how would you have me do this? There are only so many ways I have to fight. One of those ways is gone."

"Then find a new way. Just keep fighting," Ris urged.

Drex nodded after a long moment. He didn't know what knew way he could find, but he supposed he did not have much choice.

He would not be crushed.

"What way can you think of that would help?" his voice was almost pleading.

Ris sighed, "Resist. Don't take her abuse, her torments. You don't have to prove who's stronger, just resist her."

Drex went quiet for a long time, not really looking at anything. Eventually he glanced up at Ris, "You'd better get that arm seen to," he said finally.

"It's just broken," Ris brushed off, "I'll live."

"Well then I'll say it another way, please leave me alone. I need to put the room back to rights and at least pretend to have been her perfect padawan."

Ris sighed, and shook his head, "Very well. If that is all you wish. Become like Ke'dran, and die like him."

"What do you want me to do, Ris? Tell me and I'll do it," he finally said. "Maybe I just don't understand what you're trying to say in fighting, but I thought that fighting and keeping things from one's master was a bad thing, and maybe you want her to come in and find this mess? If that's really what you want I'll leave it."

A shake of the head, and Ris turned away, "Forget it. If you can't get it, if you can't think for yourself, then you're already lost. Do as you will. Or really, as she will," he headed for slipping out the door.

Drex stared after him, feeling his heart sink in his chest. The fight with Ris had left him exhausted and drained. He knelt in the middle of the mess he had made, heavy as if a blanket of durasteel were being pressed upon him. He bowed his head as the grief began to well up in him again. He had thought he was understanding what Ris had been trying to say, but all he had managed to do was to alienate him further. He swallowed thickly.

Numbly he retrieved his journal from where it had been on his bed, where he had sat on it and thumbed through the pages, staring at one of his earliest sketches. His first drawing was nothing more than ash now -- just like the body surely was.

He pressed the book to his face, as if he were hoping to fall through the pages and become part of it himself. It would be easier than living in this nightmare. He sighed a long, slow sigh before he flipped to an empty page and took out his stylus .

His hands began to shake as he wrote, especially as he realized what he had done. He had attacked another in anger. He had used Ris as an outlet for his hurt. He already had a black mark on his record for his fight with Ke'dran two years prior. The stylus slipped from his fingers. What had he done?

He fumbled for his comlink and punched in Ris's code. "Ris?"

"Here," was the answering, before a pause, "Yes, Drex?"

Drex wasn't really sure what to say after a moment, how to convey his thoughts over the comlink. "Where are you?"

Another pause, "Rooftop. Why?"

There was a long pause before Drex said, "Can you come back?"

"I can. Though, give me a few moments, finishing something real quick."

"What can you possibly be finishing on the roof?"

"Just my Katas. Did you know that its dangerous to do that up here?" the tone was knowing, to the thread of his fear in his voice.

"Have you lost your mind? Why are you doing those on the roof?" the voice was sharp.

"Hold on, difficult move coming up, "there was the sound of the comm link being put down, before the faint sound of feet walking away. A moment, and then a thud and loud crunch was heard.

"Ris!" Drex yelped hearing the crunch over the comlink, growling a little at his friend's stupidity, he threw on his cloak and made to pull on his boots before he left the apartment without a thought for the consequences. He called a lift to take him to the roof.

Ris was getting to his feet as he arrived, cradling his arm, pain burned across his features, though it eased as he saw him, "How bad do you think Han'yaie will scold me for breaking my arm again? He just fixed it about five days ago."

"Kriff, Ris, you nearly gave me a sithin heart attack, I already broke it and now you're damaging it worse," he snapped, running over to him. "Just what in the Force possessed you to try and do something like this up here?"

Ris shrugged one shoulder, "I like practicing up here."

"I've already lost Ke'dran, sithspawn, I don't' want to lose you doing something stupid like falling off the kriffin roof."

Ris shook his head, "I wouldn't let that kill me. That would be rather embarrassing really."

"You wouldn't have a choice," he retorted. "Tempted to push you off myself for your stupidity."

"That would be a bit harder to cover up," Ris raised an eyebrow.

Drex stopped at that, his eyes narrowing as he caught the deliberate use of the phrase cover up. He put a hand to his head. "Don't ever do something like this again, do you understand me? I can handle it, what I can't handle is you dying doing something stupid to cover my mistakes."

Ris held up a hand, "Listen, I'm doing what he was doing all those years. We may have hated each other, but there is one thing Ke'dran and I had in common, neither of us wanted you hurt, and we were sick of you being hurt."

Drex glanced away at that. "I know." He was silent for a long moment. "Thank you," he said softly.

Ris gripped Drex's arm with his good one. "Just keep fighting. Don't let yourself die."

"I promise," Drex said softly, truly touched by what his friends were willing to do for him.

Ris gripped him even tighter. "I'll hold you to that. Now come on, let's go and see if we can harass Han'yaie."

* * *

"Han'yaie, Padawan Alvtar is in Room 211, he's next on your schedule," his Master informed him handing him a datapad.

"Again?" He resisted the urge to groan, barely. The eighteen-year-old Healer apprentice headed towards the room indicated and knocked.

"Come on in," came Ris rather cheerful response, as if he knew who was on the other side, which he probably did.

"You seem rather chipper for someone who's injured," Han'yaie remarked. He began to take Ris's vital signs.

"Wasn't I last time?" Ris asked almost sweetly.

"Though only because I get to see the prettiest healer in the ward," he gave Han'yaie a winning grin.

Drex elbowed Ris in his broken arm. "Leave him alone, or he might decide to leave that arm broken permanently, for all the times you break it, it might be safer."

Ris wince, and then half glared, "You shouldn't bully an injured person. I was just giving him a compliment."

"If I'm the prettiest Healer in the ward, then we're in serious trouble," he quipped. "You didn't really break your arm again did you?"

Ris blinked, "What would happen if I said that I did?"

Han'yaie did groan at that, not bothering to try and resist the urge to do so. "I just fixed it last week! What the sithin hells were you doing?"

"Doing my katas," another innocent look, complete with wide eyes that would have put a child to shame, "on the roof."

"On the..." Han'yaie stared a little at that and then threw up his hands in exasperation. "I really should just stop fixing you if you're going to be doing stupid things like that."

"I tried to tell him that, but he never listens to me, " Drex put in.

Ris pouted, "It's fun on the roof, though," he looked to Drex, "Like that one time. Remember I fell off and hit that air taxi's roof?"

"Absolute insanity, of course I remember, your Master nearly skinned me alive," Drex huffed. "For letting you do such a stunt."

Faint shrug, "It was just once. She really should know better. But then, not even my Master can resist me," Ris gave that grin again, and he batted his eyes at Han'yaie, "I'm just accident prone."

"Except when you do things on purpose," Drex muttered.

Han'yaie frowned. "This was on purpose?" He glared at Ris.

Ris was swift to respond, shinning out his sharp canines in his smile, "I wanted to see how much my arm could take. Need it to be in the best of shape, you know. Didn't know it was that fragile. Do you think you did it right, Han'yaie dear?"

"Ris if you call me dear again, I'm going to drug you and dunk you in a bacta tank to where you can't talk and order you there for the next week."

Those big eyes were real at that point, in horror, "You're a really touchy guy, you know."

Han'yaie huffed. "You would be too, if you had to deal with patients like the two of you all day."

Ris tsked, "If I kiss you, will it make you feel better?" his eyes sparked.

"Just try it and see what happens, "Han'yaie said, glowering at him.

That pout again, and Ris took to looking like a kicked pet, "I would figure you would be flattered."

"I'd be flattered if you actually kept your arm whole for a few weeks," he retorted going over to gently examine it with his scanner. "Compound fracture," he said with a sigh. "You know the routine."

"Oh yay, the machine again," Ris looked less than thrilled.

"You'll be there for a week," Han'yaie said checking his datapad again.

That dropped Ris's jaw, "It took a day last time. What are you thinking, cutting my arm off?"

Han'yaie gave a shrug. "The damage is worse this time, and that's what I've logged into the datapad."

His eyes gave nothing away. In truth he wasn't serious, but if Ris wanted to be stupid and play dirty, he could too.

Ris growled a little, "Come on, Han'yaie, it's still a broken bone. You're not keeping me a week."

Han'yaie merely arched an eyebrow. "You'll follow my prescribed treatment or the Council will get involved."

Ris glared, "You are possibly the most evil person I know."

Han'yaie gave him a look. "Is that so?"

A slight nod, then a pause, "Alright, maybe tenth most evil person I know," he perked then, "But I still love you."

Han'yaie rolled his eyes at that. "You're incorrigible." He threw him a medical ward gown. "Change into that and then stick your head out the door. Don't let him leave," he pointed a finger in Drex's direction before he stepped out.

Ris huffed a little, "I think I'm leaving."

"Just change, Ris, " Drex sighed, and put a hand to his head.

Ris eyed him, even as he stripped, "You all right?"

"I'm not the one with the broken arm," he muttered.

Both eyebrows rose, "It's not like it's bad. I'll be just fine. Give me a day."

"Or a week," Drex retorted.

A shake of the head, "Han'yaie is just being irritating. He does that when I mess with him too much."

"You should know better than to mess with him," Drex shook his head a little. "Do you need help getting into that gown?'

Down to his under cloth, Ris strove to get the gown on, taking it slow, "Probably. I hate these things."

Drex said nothing and began to help him tie the gown into place. "Everyone does," he said after a moment. "I think that's why they make them so ugly.

"So that we'll want to leave faster?" Ris had to put in.

"Of course, and so we'll be reluctant to return," Drex gave him a pointed look.

"I like the healers though. Some of the best looking girls are here," Ris smirked playfully.

"If you feel that ready, I'm going to bring Han'yaie back in and tell him to keep you for two weeks."

"You're number three on my evil list," Ris pouted, "You wouldn't dare."

"Wouldn't I?" Drex eyed him challengingly. "Who's number one and two?" he asked out of curiosity.

"Number two is this crime boss I know. Number one is shared by two people we both know."

Drex arched an eyebrow at that and then shook his head. "Speaking of the two people, I better get back. You'll be all right to sit on the bone knitter for awhile won't you?"

Ris nodded, "Better get, I'll be fine."

Drex squeezed his good shoulder reassuringly. "Ris, thanks."

A slight shrug, "Don't mention it. It's what friends do."

Drex gave him another slight smile, before he left, his heart feeling a little lighter that he had such a good friend who cared for him that much.


	4. Chapter 4

_Drex helped Ke'dran gather his belongings. He was a mixture of emotions as he watched him out of the corner of his eyes. He did not want Ke'dran to go to Saren, but he knew he could not prevent him leaving and Ke'dran had dedicated his whole life to this planet. He only hoped they proved worthy of it. He was very quiet as they packed. He knew he was looking at more time spent with his mentor after Ke'dran left, part of the reason he was dreading his leaving -- that and his one source of comfort, the light in Ke'dran's soul, would be gone._

_Ke'dran was also quiet, lost in his thoughts, thinking over what was to come. And what was already happening. Finally, finally he would be sent to Saren. It was his dream, his destiny, all that he had desired for so long. And yet... Yet, when he looked to Drex, he felt pain for leaving._

_Drex left to take the last of the laundry from the small machine and brought it to him in a basket. "This is the last of it," he said quietly. He almost didn't let go of it to give it to him._

_Zephir glanced to him, and smiled softly, seeing his reluctance, "Put it on the bed. I'll get it."_

_Drex did so and then began to sort the tunics from the pants to help. He wished Ke'dran did not have to go, but who was he to hold him back when the other had been working his whole life for this cause? It did not take long to sort the clothing and Drex folded it up for him and handed them to him without a word. He could not speak. He did not know why he felt so down and upset about Ke'dran leaving. Some part of him feared it and he did not understand why he would feel this way. It was just a mission._

_Ke'dran paused, looking up to him again, his eyes flickering between gray and the greenest they had ever been, "I'll be back within months, regardless, Drex. I can't hope to fix everything in one go."_

_"I know," he said heavily. "I don't know what's the matter with me," he gave him a sad sort of smile. "Perhaps it's the weather."_

_"It does seem rather overcast," Ke'dran admitted, glancing outside their window, "But I feel that's not all," he paused a little, "You worry about your Master?"_

_Drex glanced away a little. "I shouldn't. I know. It's not her so much as I worry about you."_

_"Me?" Ke'dran raised an eyebrow, "I promise, I can take care of myself, Drex."_

_He flinched a little. "I know. Forgive me, I do not know what came over me."_

_"There is nothing to forgive," Ke'dran sighed, going to him, and laying a hand on his back, "I am touched, truly."_

_Drex looked up and met his gaze. "I do not want you to go and I do not know why. But I have no choice but to accept it," his voice deepened a little,"I have a bad feeling and it should be nothing. Perhaps it's my own fears of returning to my Master, perhaps it's not. I'm uncertain. I don't like leaving things in uncertainty."_

_"I know," Ke'dran said softly, rubbing in slow circles down his back, "Yet I know not how to give you certainty. Merely my word that I will come back to you. At least you won't have to live with her while I'm gone."_

_"Thankfully I have that small mercy," he said softly. "You give me your word?"_

_"Of course, if you wish it," Ke'dran stated, "And I have never broken it."_

_The unspoken __yet, flickered into his mind, but he did not say it, pushing the thought deep down. "I know."_

_Ke'dran shook his head, "Yet I feel you still worry. Nothing can happen to me, I assure you."_

_"Then I want your word," Drex said finally._

_"I have you my word, my heart, and my soul in pledge that I will return to you, regardless of even death," Zephir said solemnly._

_"And I will hold you to it," Drex said, and gripped Zephir's hands._

_Zephir held on to him in return, "I expect you to."_

_How long they were like that he did not know. He stared at Zephir's eyes unashamedly, as if trying to memorize the look in them, the light in them._

_Finally, Zephir's eyes lowered, "I should finish." But he oddly didn't want to._

_Drex reluctantly pulled away. "I know."_

_A soft sigh, and Zephir turned away finally, "It will be alright, Drex."_

_Drex nodded. He had to have faith that things would turn out all right. "When does your transport depart?"_

_"Before dawn tomorrow," Ke'dran informed him._

_Drex grimaced a little. "I'll be sure to go with you to the ship. Wake me."_

_"I will. Hopefully I can with all the noise you make," he had to throw in that tease._

_He cracked a small smile. "I'm sure you can manage. You've done it before."_

_"So I have," Ke'dran smirked a little bit._

_He tried to shake his feeling of melancholy hoping that the Force would see that things turned out all right. He glanced down at his boots and the scene in his mind's eye began to change and blur in his nightmares, the room became filled with smoke and the taste of ash in his mouth. He began to panic, feeling Darkness press heavy on him like a blanket. Ke'dran was screaming, as the fire began to burn him, Drex cried out in horror as the flames grew, charring his friend's skin and he tried to go to his aide, but the Darkness held him fast and he could not. He began to cry, screaming as Ke'dran turned to ash slowly. Yet even then Ke'dran's arms of ash seemed to reach for him. He struggled to reach back, to tell him he was there and that things would be all right, but he could not move. Then he was falling, falling through the darkness when he landed in the bottom of a pit._

* * *

His heart was racing as he jerked awake and he knew he had been screaming. He buried his head in his hands as he tried to rid himself of the horror, but he still tasted the ash in his mouth. His voice was thick as he said "Lights on." He was disoriented, expecting to find himself in his apartment with Ke'dran, reassuring him that everything was fine, they would have tea and then…

He glanced around realizing after a moment that this was not his apartment with Ke'dran, but his own room. The events of the day rushed back to him.

Ke'dran was gone.

It had not been a nightmare, but reality seeping through to his dreams.

Ke'dran was dead and had turned to ash.

He huddled under his blankets, still tasting the ash, as he began to cry. He didn't care if his Master heard. This time he would pour out his grief.

At length his tears subsided and his Master still had not come to see if anything was wrong, not that he had expected her to. He slowly crawled out of bed and went to the kitchenette to brew tea. At least his Master approved of tea. She liked it because it was supposedly good for you. He heated a kettle of water on the stove and sat at the small table. In a moment his tea was done. He poured himself a steaming mug and sat back down, adding a little sugar in it. He didn't normally add sugar, but everything had been so sterile since he got home, he had to have a little. He stirred with the small spoon and tried to think of more pleasant memories of Ke'dran. Maybe those would help calm him...and help him feel a little better...

* * *

_He was doing it again. He was sithin doing that 'body as a tool' exercise and every time he did, Ke'dran got a little colder...a little more icy. He was not going to let this happen if he could help it. Especially not on his birthday. He scowled. Couldn't Ke'dran have picked a different day to go about his...activities? Really, the man should have more heart...then again, that's why he was sleeping with everyone and everything. His Sithin master was freezing his heart. Ke'dran was heading down to the lower levels of the Temple, with another boy in tow..._

_Ke'dran's soft, 'stage' laughter washed back to him, not completely real, but his partner wouldn't notice. The other Padawan was too indulging in keeping a seemingly friendly arm about his shoulders, other secretly moving to feel under his shirt. Only to be swatted away. Even if this was just another exercise, he wasn't about to be caught before they got there. It was only a few more steps down, they having taken the steps from the floor level, not wishing to be caught in the lifts. He hadn't planned on doing this today, he had actually had other plans, but then Sehan had suggested it, and then Kell had offered...probably through his Master's design again... and so there he was, barely making it through the doors leading into the storage chambers, before he was being assaulted, Kell hungrily stripping his shirt before he could think, pressing him to a nearby wall, just by the door. Crass, tactless, but these exercises were never about comfort, and all about tuning the body and mind._

_Ke'dran had changed from that boy he had first known -- he hadn't been as icy then. He still had ice but it was not as thick as it was now. Drex had taken the lift when it came back and headed down to the basement where he knew they were going. He stepped out to find Kell stripping. His eyes narrowed and then he cleared his throat loudly._

_Kell paused in his actions. He looked sharply over, eyes narrowed, as Ke'dran also turned slightly wide eyes towards Drex. "Get out of here, kid. We're a little busy," Kell barked, before going back to his business._

_Ke'dran just closed his eyes, desperately wishing Drex hadn't found them, knowing it in vain. He didn't want him to see him like this, not today. But no hope of that, as Kell started pulling his pants down. The body was a tool, humiliation beneath him. His Master strove to drive those deep in him._

_"It's my naming day," Drex snapped. "I can stay down here if I want. Find somewhere else to strip, Kell."_

_Darkened crimson eyes glanced to him, glaring, Ke'dran's pants halfway off, his own shirt nearly undone, "I could care less. As would most of the Jedi. Go find somewhere else to do your meditations."_

_"No. Do your 'exercise' somewhere else. It's quiet and nice down here without your naked self."_

_Kell muttered a sigh, "Then watch and learn, because I really don't care."_

_A hard enough nip, right where it would be seen above the collar, and Ke'dran's hand came up, slapping Kell viciously. Gray eyes opened, still not looking to Drex, blazing at the older boy, "I told you, no seeable marks."_

_Kell glared, rubbing his red cheek, before he caught that still raised hand, pinning it, "I decided to change the rules a bit. Now hold still...Its bad enough your little pet has followed us."_

_Those eyes went very narrow, flickering almost darkly, before Kell suddenly let out a pained gasp, and stumbled back, one hand moving to protect his vital area. Surprise flickered across those blood red eyes, even as pain was obvious in his face._

_"I don't care to be rough handled. Get out of here, before I send rumors stating you tried to rape a fellow Jedi," Ke'dran snapped, voice like ice as he stared at him._

_Kell glared at him, then Drex, still very protective of his abused area, as he retreated, calling his shirt to him before he moved to the lift._

_"And don't come back," Drex added after Kell's retreating form._

_Ke'dran blew a soft breath, before moving to pick up and fasten his pants, "You shouldn't be down here," he commented, softly._

_Drex shrugged a little. "It's my birthday," he said. "I wanted to find somewhere quiet to meditate," he lied lamely. He didn't want to admit the real reason he was down here. He did not want to sound like a stalker or something. "The basement seemed a good place..."_

_Ke'dran raised an eyebrow, before bending to pick up his shirt, "You're a terrible liar, Drex. Have always been so."_

_His face flushed a little in embarrassment. "Sorry."_

_Slipping on his tunic, another soft sigh came from Ke'dran, "It's fine. I wasn't up to this today."_

_"Then why did you agree?" He asked, looking down at his boots, his cheeks still red, unable to look at him._

_"Master..." Ke'dran couldn't look at him in turn, as he fastened his tunic up, "and Kell can be persistent."_

_"So tell them no. Fight back. Isn't that what you tell me to do with my master?" He couldn't help but ask._

_"It's a different thing with me, Drex," a tired smile, with no true feeling, and Ke'dran approached, ruffling his short hair a little, "Thank you though, for saving me this time."_

_Drex gave him a small smile. "You're welcome. I think you're wrong though, it is the same thing, you just won't see it in your own life..."_

_A slight shake of the head, and then Ke'dran touched his cheek gently, "I was intending to give you your present today, to be honest."_

_Drex looked up with some surprise. "A present? For me?"_

_In his entire life, only Ris had ever given him anything. His Master had always disapproved of even these. Even on his thirteenth birthday, Master Lokar had never gotten him a gift as was Temple tradition. He had been disappointed until he had realized that the reason she did not was because she did not want him growing attached to any object or person. As for Ris, at first it had been little things, like a bar of Alderaanian chocolate, then Ris had gotten more daring, giving him things to keep. He had started hiding them after Ris gave them to him, lest he lose them to her. He had gotten rather good at finding places to hide his presents to where she would not find them._

_A nod, and an apologetic tilt to Ke'dran's smile, "It's not much, I'm afraid, but I was rather at a loss what to get you..."_

_Drex glanced down at his boots, not sure of what to say. "I'd like anything you'd give me," he said honestly after awhile. "You don't have to though, Master doesn't approve of presents. We never celebrate anything except by meditation."_

_"I know, but I dearly want to this year. So, close your eyes and I'll give it to you."_

_Drex closed his eyes, his heart pounding. Just the idea that someone besides Ris cared enough about him to get him something made things right with the galaxy again..._

_Ke'dran lightly took his right hand, opened it, and gently laid the braid across his palm, before closing those fingers. Brushing a brief kiss to Drex's knuckles, he then pulled away, "There we go, you can look now."_

_Drex opened his eyes and his mouth formed a little O as he stared at the silver braided strands. "Thank you," he said shyly, rubbing the silkiness with his fingers._

_There was a spark of what might have been happiness in those greenish orbs, "Of course. I'm just pleased I chose well, seemingly."_

_Drex pulled out his journal he had with him always, tucked in his tunic and gently tucked it into the book. "Very well."_

_A faint nod, Ke'dran met his eyes, "Well, it seems you've cleared my schedule of fiends and such. What shall we do?"_

_"You could meditate with me?" he suggested hopefully._

_Ke'dran seemed to consider it, "I would like that."_

_"You would?" He seemed almost unsure, afraid he might have misheard._

_Amusement flickered in those eyes, "Of course. I'd be honored to share meditation with you on this day."_

_"Would you like to find someplace more comfortable? Or would you rather stay down here?" Drex asked after a moment._

_"I leave that up to you," it was given with a soft smile, "It is your Naming day."_

_"Let's go to the room where the Healing Crystals of Fire are," Drex suggested after a moment. He needed the warmth in those crystals, especially on this day._

_"Lead the way," Ke'dran's gaze was understanding as to why he would want to go there._

_Drex held one of the crystals, warm against his palm and stroked them almost reverently. There was no one else about and he had greatly appreciated the silence and the natural light. It was comforting rather than sterile and artificial. "They're so beautiful." The crystals were everything his master was not._

_Ke'dran sat near him, watching him in the dimness, "So they are, and will always be so."_

_He placed them into Ke'dran's hands so the other could feel the warmness the crystals radiated. "So natural and warm. Unlike everything in both of our lives."_

_Ke'dran lightly closed his fingers over them, for just a moment, feeling the warmth, seeing the light filter through his hands. He smiled slightly, though it was a tad bit empty, "That is true. Yet, they themselves are mere remnants of a dead time," it was a soft sigh, as Ke'dran lay them back into Drex's hands._

_"Perhaps but it's better than a time where everything is so false and constructed," Drex said after a moment. "Even Coruscant is sterile."_

_"I hope to get the time they came from, back," it was a soft sigh from Ke'dran, a longing one._

_"How are you going to do that?" He couldn't help but ask. "Being a perfect Jedi won't make Coruscant less sterile."_

_In fact, it would likely make it worse, but he wouldn't say such a thing to Ke'dran._

_"These came from Saren, before its dying ages. Being the perfect Jedi, will help me resurrect Saren." or so he desperately wanted to believe._

_"How can being cold and icy help resurrect a dying world?" Drex had to ask it._

_He knew he probably should have said it a little more tactfully, but the question had been out of his lips before he could think about it._

_Ke'dran didn't look offended, "Being untouchable, will save me from the darkness that the world is consumed with."_

_"You think ice will help?" he looked askance at that. "One would think warmth would be a counterpoint rather than coldness. Coldness could fuel the dark more than combat it."_

_"Anger, fear, those fuel the darkness. Not cold, Drex," Zephir corrected._

_Drex was mutinous. He knew cold helped, but he did not say anything further on the subject. "I guess we should begin," he said after a moment. He wasn't really sure how to do it with someone. He never had before._

_Seeing how lost he was, Zephir lightly took his hands, "I'll lead you through."_

_"You've done this with someone before?" he asked._

_"My Master," Ke'dran admitted._

_He shuddered a little at the idea of doing birthday meditation with his Master. He hated to meditate with her, it was normally an excuse to surprise him with shield exercises..._

_"But I won't do it like he does with me," Ke'dran assured, "Just relax, Drex. Focus."_

_He tucked the crystals into his tunics, where they warmed his skin and he closed his eyes, concentrating on the warmth._

_Zephir smiled fondly, and closed his eyes in turn, holding tight to Drex's hands as he drew the Force over them both._

* * *

Drex pulled himself from those pleasant thoughts and stared down into the depths of his tea mug. He still had the lock of hair Ke'dran had given him. He had not been able to give it to be burned for the funeral. He just couldn't bring himself to and now it was the only piece of Ke'dran he had left, besides his memories.

He pulled out his journal and gently took the lock of hair out of the book and fingered it carefully.

Ke'dran would always be with him in some small way.

The warmth in Ke'dran still was there, through the tiny piece of him he had.

Comforted by that thought, Drex finally stood and went to the sink to empty the remains of his mug and then to go back to his room to bed.

He crawled back under his covers, still clutching the piece of hair, after putting his journal underneath his pillow. "Dreams pass in time," he told himself firmly, knowing that even these nightmares would eventually pass.

So he desperately hoped.


End file.
